I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
