The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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