So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
