The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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