just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
