I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
