You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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