apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
