i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I did not marry a roomba.
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