she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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