yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
