you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
