I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
