You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
