Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
