Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
