oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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