went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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