Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
