I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Let's paint friendship bongs
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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