remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have fence marks all over my body
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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