I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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