PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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