I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
