When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
