Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
