these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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