they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
