I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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