Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
