3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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