Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
