You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
