saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
