My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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