I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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