I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
