Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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