The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
