He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
