wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
