The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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