FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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