I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
