I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
