Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
