Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
not ubering you a puppy
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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