just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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