I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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