anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
